“I want to be appreciated as a woman. Not as a mother, not as a companion. And I want to appreciate him as a man. It could be a gaze, a touch, a word. I want to be looked at without all the baggage.” –Esther Perel, Mating In Captivity. Maybe you’ve said this to yourself once or twice; maybe you haven’t questioned anything, yet. But there is something to be said about long-term relationships and the tendency they have to get complacent. Perel notes, “There is a powerful tendency in long term relationships to favor the predictable over the unpredictable. Yet, eroticism thrives on the unpredictable. Desire butts heads with habit and repetition.” When you’re feeling like you’d rather do mundane things around the house and sex is the last thing on your to-do list, it might be time to check the pulse of romance. “Today, our sexuality is an open-ended personal project; it is part of who we are, an identity and no longer merely something we do.” — Esther Perel.
Sex isn’t something you do. It’s somewhere that you go. And just like you go to work everyday; it’s also important to enter the romantic rooms of your home just as frequently. Here’s one of my favorite quotes from Esther Perel who breaks it down so beautifully when she says: “sex is about where you can take me, not what you can do to me.”
Reviving Your Romantic Relationship; Going From Surviving To Thriving.
There is a Marilyn Monroe inside of every single woman in the world. You just have to find what makes you come alive again. That’s why creativity is so important. Dancing, painting, singing, music, yoga, all things with a feminine element quickly remind us of our womanhood. Find the things that put you in touch with yourself as a woman, and you will find the blood pumping through the veins of your sexuality again. Maybe what makes you come alive is a tone of dark violet lipstick, instead of Hollywood red. Maybe it’s the touch of velvet instead of silk. Maybe it’s taking yourself out for a date night or having fresh flowers by your bedside. Maybe it’s making dinner at home for two over candlelight and asking you and your man to both come to the table in black-tie attire. I’m naming some basic things, but we’ve got to take baby steps to get back to ourselves. Then, we have a chance to reconnect in our romantic relationships. The good news is there’s plenty of things you can do to bring romance back to life. One of my favorite places to start is right inside the closet, but here’s a list of 5 traits you can immediately start implementing in your romantic relationship to bring it from surviving to thriving again.
5 Traits Of A Thriving Relationship.
I’m gonna keep it short this week and outline the 5 Traits of A Thriving Relationship, according to renowned couples therapist, Esther Perel:
- Couples who say sorry, own it, and take responsibility for when they do things that are triggering & negative rather than blame, the better the relationship. When you take ownership it means that you have high self esteem. Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still see yourself in high regard.
- Great relationships have good grease, pulp which is appreciation, and the ability to think of the other person in small ways when they’re not around to make them feel like they’re special. Little gifts, little thoughts, little sexts.
- The ability to brag about them when you go to talk with others. When one partner when you meet them is telling them what their partner is doing and how proud you are of them. That’s when you know it’s a thriving relationship.
- Thriving relationships are physical affectionate and they are sexual. It doesn’t matter how many times you have sex per week, but they are sexual as they see each other as sexual beings. They are erotic. Erotic means that they are playful, they are fun, they have a sense of humor and can laugh at the same things. They look at the world in a certain way, not the same way, but they recognize each other’s way of looking at the world.
- Happy relationships are relationships where you’re not looking for one person to be everything for you.
Start to develop these five traits in your romantic life, and you can bet that you’ll have a thriving relationship in no time. The important thing to note is that all five of these traits have one very simple thing in common: attentiveness. The key to having a thriving relationship is paying attention to romance. Doing the little things that you did in the beginning of your relationship to feel sexy. Dating coach, Matthew Hussey, says that you should never stop dating each other. The key to feeling sexy is to keep doing little things that makes your partner feel sexy. If your partner feels wanted, and desired — on both sides — then it’s quite difficult to fall into complacency. Romance is putting the extra work and effort in when you don’t feel like it; it’s giving yourself room to be spontaneous and unpredictable. It’s allowing yourself to see your partner in new ways each and every day. Remembering that we can know someone for fifty years and still not know everything about that person. There is always something new to discover. There is always something new to learn. Time to start studying.