Sometimes, men reach a point in romantic relationships where they feel like their love life sucks. Many are faced with the dilemma of having to do what a woman says, but compromising their masculinity. This compliance builds resentment if the choice goes against a man’s values. While men have good intentions, to please their woman and make her happy, this self-sacrifice doesn’t create connection, respect, or desire for either individual. Resentment builds on both ends, and this post will dive into what men can do to assert their divine masculinity and get their power back. This issue plagues many of my male clients, and it’s important for men to know that they can have a great love life and relationship without compromising their values. Let’s take a look at some common relationship challenges and then dive into a solution that creates positive change in a man’s love life.
Relationship Challenge #1: The Values Conflict.
A common challenge I’ve seen with my male clients, and their marriages and relationships, is the issue of being in love with someone where there’s a values conflict. For example, in a monogamous relationships, where the man wants to be exclusive, and the woman is in a polyamorous. Maybe she’s in freedom-based mode, and feels like the ultimate form of self-respect is to explore and not limit herself to what she can experience, and how she can love. For the man who is in a sexual relationship with her, this can cause excruciating pain. But what’s worse is they choose the pain because it’s less frightful than the fear of totally losing their woman. The result? Men who whither away inch by inch; letting more, and more things go. This is where resentment builds, and their masculinity and sense of self becomes diminished, and eventually, they become shriveled little versions of themselves.
Relationship Challenge #2: The Power Struggle.
Another scenario is the all-to-common power struggle between husband and wife who are doing their best to share domestic responsibilities and raise a child. They bicker back and forth in front of the child, and when the child looks at mommy and asks for something like, “I wanna go outside”, Mommy says, ask Daddy to take you. There’s no adult communication to the child or in between adults to resolve the issue, instead the woman resentfully goes outside with an energy that says I don’t want to be here. She’s really pissed at her husband, but the child doesn’t know that. What happened was he didn’t do what she demanded him to do when she asked him to take the baby outside in an irritated tone. Putting the child in the middle of domestic dispute, and power play between husband and wife, is never in the best interest of the child, but I’m not here to address child rearing. We’re talking about the relationship dynamics of a domestic power play. Marianne Williamson once said, “a man has two options in this scenario he must either say no, or give up his balls.” The root of the problem with men who feel like shriveled up versions of themselves happens when they keep making choices that go along with what a woman says when those same choices go against his male instincts. Those gestures, often done in the name of love, are actually disguised as compliance and appeasing a woman, which has dangerous consequences. Those consequences are built up resentment that makes men feel emasculated, and puts them in a position where they have to beg for sex, or stay in a relationship out of fear of totally losing their woman. This built-up resentment takes the form of half-assed child rearing, half-listening, less-satisfying sex, and often feels like being in a relationship with someone who has one foot in and one foot out the door. Which never feels good. I mean the whole point of being in a romantic relationship, married or not, is to make our significant other feel wonderful.
The Solution: Never Betray Your Own Values To Appease Her.
David Dieda wrote a book called, The Way Of The Superior Man: A Spiritual Guide to Mastering the Challenges of Women, Work, and Sexual Desire. I highly recommend this read to all my male clients. It’s $13 dollars well spent. While written in 2004, the book still holds a powerful stance on spiritual sexuality and masculinity. He addresses the issue of compliance and appeasing women perfectly when he writes, “If a woman suggests something that changes a man’s perspective, then he should make a new decision based on his new perspective. But he should never betray his own knowledge and intuition in order to please his woman or “go along” with her. Both she and he will be weakened by such an action. They will grow to resent each other, and the crust of accumulated inauthenticity will burden their love, as well as their capacity for free action.”
Here’s my spin on it: when a woman is in her masculine making demands and suggestions for the both of you, what she’s really doing is testing you on a subconscious level. Deep down in her psyche, she’s inviting you to step into your power and masculinity, even if it seems like she’s doing the opposite. Deep down, she’s secretly hoping you’ll tap into your own assertiveness and make a decision, from a place she can trust. Every single time you comply, oblige, or appease her, she is loosing trust and faith in you. You might think you’re doing what she wants you to do, but you’re really hurting each other. She remains in her masculine decision making mode and feels like she can’t relax into her feminine, and you feel like you gotta give up your balls and wish she would just relax and be in her feminine. David Dieda guides men to: “always listen to your woman, and then make your own decision. If you choose to go with your woman’s suggestion even when deep in your heart you feel that another decision is more wise, you are, in effect, saying, “I don’t trust my own wisdom.” Which weakens her trust in you. Because on a subconscious level, she’s thinking to herself: why should I trust you if you don’t even trust yourself.” I think a lot of this gets lost in translation in relationships. While a woman’s intuition is unmatched, men have their own built-in primal instincts that are there to lead a woman to safe surrender. Trust me, your woman is waiting for it.
“When you deny your deep truth to please your woman, everyone will feel your lack of authenticity. Your friends, children, and business colleagues will love you, but they won’t trust you, since you can’t trust your own core intent. And more importantly, your actions won’t jive with your core. However if you listen to your woman, taking everything she says into account and making your own best decision, you are acting in accordance with your core. You are saying, in effect, “my deepest wisdom is leading me to this decision, and if I’m wrong, I will learn from it, and my wisdom will have deepened. I”m willing to be wrong, and grow from it. I trust this process of acting from my deepest wisdom. This attitude of self-trust engenders others’ trust in you. You may be wrong, but you are willing to find out, and grow from the experience.” — David Dieda
Proof That This Actually Works.
This reminds me of a demanding moment I had with a former boyfriend. It was that time of the month, and I really wanted gummies. Like, bad. This was pre-nutrition school, and my raw foodie boyfriend had a bandwidth of knowledge on all things healthy eating. Regardless, I proceeded to be demanding, asking him to run to the store because I had to have gummies. He refused. I still remember how he was standing, arms crossed, clearly feeling my wrath, but standing his ground with loving eyes and a firm no. It frustrated the fuck out of me, but deep down inside it turned me on. I loved that he took a solid stance on it, and proceeded to tell me that refined sugar would only make me feel worse. And despite my begging and pleading, he made a decision and did not budge. It sent a message that I could trust him to his core, that he wasn’t playing my bullshit games, and although I didn’t like it at the time, it deepened my love and respect for him. Respect is sexy. He felt it, and I felt it. Not only did he listen to me, but he heard what I wasn’t saying. He weighed my words against his own intuition, and decided that no was the best response. He was right, and gave me what I really needed. I didn’t need that shit. From there on out I knew deep down inside that I could always trust him to make decisions in my highest good. That’s the kind of divine masculinity that makes a woman want to have sex with you. This isn’t emotional manipulation; it’s your primal nature serving hers.
What You Can Do About It Right Now.
For the next two weeks, without telling her what you’re doing, practice the art of tapping into your own intuition every time a woman asks you to do something, especially in the moments when she’s in a demanding masculine decision-making mode. The key is to listen to her fully, with your Divine mind, and your heart. Pay attention to what she’s saying, take it into full consideration, scan your intuition for the best scenario, and respond with what feels good in your body. Because that is what feels good at your core. Make your choice and take your stance. And no matter what she throws at you: hold your ground. I must note that I’m not telling you to cross her boundaries, disrespect her, cause harm or ignore her no. But if you start doing this, she’ll feel it on a cellular and spiritual level, and you will see a difference in her behavior. She’ll relax in your decisiveness, and there will be an internal shift for both of you. Try this for two weeks, and let me know your results in the comments below.
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