Women should not have to wear fake wedding rings to keep unwanted male attention at bay. Women should not have to sacrifice dressing sexy or feel like they have to dim their sexuality to avoid unwanted male reactions that often result in the male being completely unaware that he’s making the woman feel uncomfortable and the woman not knowing what to say because she doesn’t want to be rude.
This post is for the men who aren’t really clear on how to properly handle themselves in the presence of a beautiful, sexy, woman who takes up space. It’s also for the women who find themselves in these situations, and want to respond in an empowered way. This information in this post will educate and empower you to act differently the next time you find yourself in an uncomfortable, unwanted situation.
A Real Life or Death Example of Unwanted Male Attention On The NYC Subway.
I remember sitting on the B train on the way to my Brooklyn apartment after a long day of work in midtown Manhattan. I was sitting across from a young, beautiful black woman dressed to the nines. Her presence was glistening and shy all at the same time. This white male sat next to her, legit spitting image of a Jeffrey Dahmer look-a-like, wearing double-bridge, wire framed, gold aviators. I remember it well. Immediately after he sat down he felt entitled to encroach upon her personal space. Whispering in her ear and talking a little too close. Making it seem like he had to get that close so he could hear her. Close enough to make her feel uncomfortable and leery, and far enough to where she felt like she couldn’t say anything. He would sporadically inch closer to her, then back off, like some twisted cat and mouse game. I looked to the people across from me and next to me, and no one was noticing what was happening. They all were engrossed in their newspapers and phones. I was feeling anxiety for her. And, my stop was coming up soon. I knew I wasn’t getting off this train without her. I spoke up and said, “Hey! We’re getting off here, right?!” She nodded and exited the train with me. She was like I’m just gonna go back on this cart, and I looked at her like no, he could follow you. I said let’s just exit. Then, she said okay, I’ll just pick up another train and starting walking up the exit steps. I nodded, and followed. I glanced back at the empty seat where she was sitting and he wasn’t there. He followed us off. I found him standing ten feet behind us in the middle of the platform. I walked a toward him and said one word: NO. I was firm and strong AF. I looked at him not today motherf*cker look with a glare that said, BACK THE FUCK UP. He scurried, and darted off. We walked back up the stairs together. I said I was so sorry, that guy was f*cking skeevy. She said, thank you. I replied with a warm you’re welcome, and went our separate ways.
I share this story because it’s important for both men and women to know that both genders experience very different primal fears. According to author, Gavin De Becker who wrote The Gift Of Fear, a woman’s primal fear is being physically violated, hurt or killed by a man. A man’s primal fear is feeling rejected by a woman. Men like the one on the subway feed off of a woman’s primal fear because it makes him feel powerful. It’s sick, twisted and couldn’t be farther from what it means to truly be powerful. Power is of God. It’s that simple. Take Jennifer Lawrence’s character in the movie, Red Sparrow, for example. She had to go through military, mind-control training to be a part of this elite, manipulative government agency. In one of the scenes, they were asked to watch clips and identify the main desire of the person in the video. Then, the teacher asked her character to do a live demo with a male student where he was to force sex on her. She pushed back, the teacher tried to make her receive and she flipped the script. She turned around, faced him and said you want to f*ck me, okay, go ahead, and took off her dress, then her under garments until she was naked, he lost his erection and she commented, what happened? It was obvious. He wanted power. She looked at him in his eyes and said he couldn’t do it because she was facing him and was empowered, and he lost his desire because he no longer felt powerful. This happens to many men who were raised by men who have used force to get what they want. Maybe they’ve never actually caused harm to a woman but it is a fantasy for some men to have that kind of power over a woman, and the fact that it’s socially horrific and unacceptable also feeds the part of the brain that says it’s forbidden. For some men, this turns them on. FOR THE RECORD: I am not saying this is okay. I am breaking down the psyche. If men have not faced their inner sexual demons, the dark corners of their mind can be a dangerous place even if they play socially acceptable roles.
Below, I outline how this same desire and craving for power shows up in seemingly innocent and socially acceptable situations between a man and a woman. I’ve personally experienced three situations in the past week.
Seemingly Innocent, Uncomfortable Situations Men Put Women In Without Realizing It.
UNWANTED SITUATION #1: Strange guy offers to help take your picture.
Men are hardwired to please and want to be helpful. It feeds their masculinity to feel needed. When men come up to women when they’re taking selfies, they’re most likely coming from a place of service. Maybe some of these instances are truly innocent. But again, men need to understand a woman’s primal fear in this instant.
I was taking an #outfitoftheday photo with a friend downtown the other day. I felt confident and empowered serving up face in my new white strapless dress from the Gabrielle Union line, paired with an off the shoulder jean jacket, rose gold pumps, and Kate Spade cat-eye sunglasses. We were taking a couple photos to get the right shot, and out of left field this mid-50s looking man comes into view and sits on the cement bench about ten feet away from us. There was no one around and he just sat there watching me. He was trying to be nonchalant just sitting there. But I felt immediately uncomfortable. I’m not in New York where there are hundreds of people around. No one is around. And this is where you pick to sit. So you can gawk at me? I said to my friend that’s good, let’s go. And we started walking away he says, I can take your picture if you want. I was a photographer. I said no thanks and kept walking. He said I really am a photographer not just some creepy guy trying to take your photo.
WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW: We don’t care that you’re a photographer. Even if YOU are telling the truth. We don’t know you! It’s weird that you’re trying to take my picture. What am I supposed to do; just gonna hand a strange guy my phone because you’re a photographer? NO. Don’t ask us to take our picture. You using it as a way to talk to us and it’s not okay. Men do this shit all the time. It seems innocent but women can feel your true intentions with our divine intuition. And men who ask this or push forward like this guy did when you can physically see you’re making us uncomfortable need to back off and do better.
Another note: don’t sit near a woman when the whole train is empty. It creates fear and makes us leery. A woman’s primal fear is that you’re going to hurt her. So don’t put her in that position. End of story. Find another way to approach women.
Ladies in this situation: don’t be afraid to communicate a hard no, verbally or non-verbally. Women need to stop putting a man’s feelings before her own. I talk about this more in this blog post here. You’re not required to prioritize politeness over your own discomfort. The empowering thing to do is to HONOR the fact that you feel uncomfortable in that moment, and stand up for yourself. This way, you won’t walk around thinking you have to be nice all the time at the expense of unwanted male attention. This situation made me uncomfortable and as soon as I felt uncomfortable I got up and walked away. When he yelled after me, I just said no with my hand motion that came across my body like just stop talking.
UNWANTED SITUATION #2: When You Get DMs From An Old Flame Who Married The Safe Bet, But Still Watches All Your Stories.
Every woman can relate to that old flame that tries to find a way to talk to you using your social media or blog content as a conversation starter. At first, you reply professionally. Then, you realized it’s not going to stop even when you say you’re uncomfortable and call it out more than once. The message just wasn’t landing. He wouldn’t hear it from me; but he’d hear it from a man. So, I just mentioned his handle on this video clip below. He said you’re right. I’m going to get off social media. Thank you for telling me. He hasn’t watched a single story of mine since.
UNWANTED SITUATION #3: When You Receive Emails From Former Clients Who Are Trying To Have A Personal Relationship With You.
Many years ago on my birthday, I got this email from a former male client of mine who I met up with at Wegmans for a relationship coaching consultation to talk about some things happening in his marriage. I gave him a nice chunk of my unpaid time. I was just starting out, operating from a coaching clients for experience mentality. First tip off and power play: he insisted on paying for my lunch. Seemingly innocent, right? We had a discussion. I gave him sound psychological advice for him to could go home and have an honest, open conversation with his wife. Then, the happy birthday emails started.
In his last email, he didn’t know what to say that he actually said he went back and searched what he wrote the year before and will say the same thing. After the photographer guy, and an Instagram message from another married man, I was fed up. This is exactly how I replied to him:
Please stop contacting me. It makes me feel uncomfortable. You’re not contacting me to genuinely wish me a happy birthday. We do not speak nor do we have any kind of relationship. Men don’t realize that this kind of behavior makes women very uncomfortable because our intuition knows why you’re really contacting us or talking to us, and it puts women in a very uncomfortable position to have “to be nice” instead of honoring our feelings of being uncomfortable. I won’t do that. Plus, it doesn’t help you if I’m not honest.
Please sit back and ask yourself, why are you contacting me. What’s going on in your life that you felt like reaching out to me, specifically. Why do you even keep my birthday on your calendar? It’s inappropriate, and inconsiderate of how I might feel receiving it.
We need more men in the world who are doing their inner work at home. More men who know how to put a woman’s feelings before his own. But men can’t do that when they haven’t healed their own hearts or faced their own wounds. Having honest conversations within your intimate relationships will help you stop looking to other women for fulfillment, even if it that fulfillment comes in the form of a seemingly innocent happy birthday email. It’s not. Because of whatever you decided that I represent in your mind. That’s what’s really going on here. Otherwise you wouldn’t have to search what you wrote last year and send me this uncomfortable email because you’re not realizing why you’re actually sending it.
I am uncomfortable. Please delete my contact information and stop contacting me. It’s not fair to me, or your wife.
He wrote: Thank you for your honesty. I am sorry for making you feel uncomfortable. That was not my intent, but you ask a good question. What was my intent. I don’t have an immediate answer. Thank you for your suggestion. I will get a copy of the book you recommended and read it. This will be the last time I will contact you.I recommended the book, The Truth About Men, by DeVon Franklin. You can watch a clip about his work here: https://www.instagram.com/p/BwGH164BdI0/
Here’s the link to the book.
The Truth About Men.
Men aren’t dogs, but there is a lust problem that breeds inside of them if left unaddressed. In DeVon Franklin’s book, The Truth About Men, he calls this lust “The Dog”. This book is a step-by-step manual for men who want to be better men. Who want to have better relationships. Who want to be the man they came here to be. Men who want to learn how to harness their true power, and master the dog that lives inside of them. I highly recommend every man and woman read this book if you want to have great, loving relationships that last. Here’s some of my favorite quotes from the book:
“Get your needs met at home and keep your yard clean.” p. 154
“Public success isn’t personal success. Who he is privately, is who he really is.” p. 38
“We don’t focus on the rigorous discipline in our dating/sex lives before marriage.” p. 45
“Become an expert at meeting each other’s needs.” p. 163
“Anything we don’t confront, we empower to conquer us.” p. 27
“Deep in a man’s heart are some fundamental questions that simply cannot be answered at the kitchen table. Who am I? What am I made of? What am I destined for? It is fear that keeps a man at home where things are neat and orderly and under his control. But the answers to his deepest questions are not to be found on television or in the refrigerator. If a man is ever to find out who he is and what he’s here for, he has got to take that journey for himself. He has got to get his heart back.” p. 29
“Women — see something, say something. Don’t ignore the Dog when you see it on display in the man in your life.” p. 27
10 Tips To Master The Dog In Every Man:
1. Take A Ten Count: Counting to ten helps reset the mind and let adrenaline dissipate so impulses don’t win out.
2. Play Out The Consequences: She invites you to her place, you go home with her and have sex. You wake up in the morning feeling terribly guilty about cheating on your girl. You check your phone, your girl texted you to see if you were okay, now you have to either come clean and break up, or make excuses and lie. She finds out anyway and leaves you. You’re heartbroken because you really love her. Everyone despises you: all your mutual friends want nothing to do with you. Meanwhile, the woman you slept with wants more than a one night stand.
3. Think Of Sex As A Want Rather Than A Need: A want is something desired but not essential. That’s an important distinction. If we put sex on the same level as food, air, shelter and water, we’ll feel justified in doing anything to get it, even if that means manipulating, lying, or cheating.
4. Refuse To Rationalize: Identify rationalizations as the lies that they are. Some common ones are: nobody will ever know, you had a hard week, your girlfriend/wife hasn’t been in the mood, she wanted it, she rejected you, so you’ll show her, your boys pressured you, you and your lady got in a fight, you’re out of town, you’re lonely, you’re alone with her, she’s a little drunk, just this one time, she just invited you back to her place; that doesn’t mean you have to have sex, she’s incredibly hot, you just broke up with someone, she thinks she’s too good for you.
5. Channel sexual energy into creative energy: Learn to master your sexual energy and you can master the world. Turn your sexual energy into fuel for your professional life. Next time an urge starts to come upon you, start working on your business plan, do something productive and watch what happens.
6. Manage Masturbation: Masturbation can lead to the development of unhealthy fantasies that can cause the very act to become addictive.
7. Put Down The Porn. Marianne Williamson once said, porn is the psychic rape of women. Let that sink in for a moment. Really think about what you’re feeding your mind with. Porn is addictive because it stimulates the production of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that triggers pleasure. If you consume porn over and over, your brain stops responding in the same way and you need more and more stimulation to get that dopamine rush. Porn is also addictive because it taps into the deepest, darkest fantasy world in us.
8. Get Your Workout On: Exercise and fitness are excellent ways to manage stress and urges.
9. Curb Your Appetite: Sex outside of a monogamous, loving relationship is what I like to call Dog Food. No matter how much you love your partner, you can’t help but reference your sexual experiences before you came together. Chasing endless, meaningless sexual experiences and letting your urges run wild will sabotage your future relationships, and your current one.
10. Practice Patience: Everything you want in life will require time to achieve. Be persistent in working toward your goals, yet practice patience every day. As long as you stay committed to the process of success you will achieve all that you desire and more no matter how long it takes.There’s an assessment on page 56 of “The Truth About Men” that can be used to evaluate if you are dealing with The Dog in a man.
The Solution: Calling Out Bad Behavior On The Spot, When It Happens.
The moral of the story? Take control of the situation. Control is not pretending that the urge isn’t there. Control isn’t ignoring bad behavior as it comes up. Handle it, confront it, and take full responsibility for yourself in that moment is the most empowering way you can respond. Ladies: only men have the power to change and train The Dog in them. You cannot do this work for them. They have to want to pick up this book, read it, and apply these principles to become a better man. No amount of endless love from anything outside of him will ever get him into the depths of his own heart. Every man must take this journey alone. Your best bet is to be a supporting role for the men you’re in a relationship with. And the best decision you will ever make is to leave a bad situation. I hope this post educated men on what women are really thinking when you send them DMs as a married man, or ask them to take their picture. Take what resonates for you, and leave the rest on the table. Thank you for reading. I know this was a long one. 🙂
One last note: when a man runs away from a good woman and doesn’t treat her right, it has nothing to do with her. He’s not running away because you’re not a good woman, or you’re not attractive enough, smart enough or beautiful or sexy enough, so often if a man runs away from a good woman, it’s because he’s turning away from the character traits he needs to develop, and the man he needs to be in order to be with a woman like you. Because a good women doesn’t lay down with the dog, she walks alongside a Master.