Let’s talk about foreplay for a minute. The difference between radiant and stagnant sexuality, is what you do with the wait time in between. Sexuality is a state of mind. Sexy is a feeling. And too often, foreplay begins far too late in the game to actually create these feelings and contribute to elevating your sexual experience with your partner. Esther Perel says, “foreplay is not five minutes before the real thing, foreplay starts at the end of the previous orgasm.” Foreplay doesn’t start once you close the bedroom door. It needs to be at the breakfast table with the two of you, over lunch at the local cafe, on the train, in the grocery store, etc. That’s the beautiful thing about erotic thinking; it can come with you everywhere.
What Happens When Foreplay Starts At The End Of The Previous Orgasm.
Think about the difference between the following two scenarios. The first scenario, when foreplay begins long before the real thing, for example in the cafe when you meet your love for lunch dressed to the nines wearing a little lace number underneath. Picture letting your balconette bra peak through your blouse on your lunch break (seriously, unbutton that shit if you need to). Then, notice how his eyes follow the undone buttons as he lowers his gaze from your eyes to your lower body. Imagine matching his eyes with your own glance that says, I want you so bad right now. The only thing between you is the lingering anticipation in the air. You say nothing. Talk about little nothings over lunch. You gently caress his forearm as it rests on the table, and leave him with a whisper that playfully leaves him with the excitement of his imagination for the rest of the day. Finish your lunch, and leave it at that. Pick up where you left off the next time you see each other with flirtatious, brief texts and calls in-between. These sexy little details are the elements that create desire and feeling sexy and wanted. What if we acted like we were having an extramarital affair inside of our romantic relationships? What if we prioritized romance before domestic chores? What would happen then? So many people are suffocating in their sexuality because they’re leaving romance for the end of the day after dinner, dishes, and putting the kids to bed. Romance needs to be at the top of the to-do list every single day.
What Happens When Foreplay Happens Five Minutes Before The Real Thing.
I’ll tell you a story to lay out scenario number two. Let’s call this leaving romance for the midnight hour. One time I was talking to a guy for a couple weeks. I noticed he would always call or FaceTime in the morning or at the end of the day. He’d often want to talk at 9pm or later at night when I was winding down for the evening. I’m not going to get into the communication and all that of me trying to explain to him why this wasn’t working. I feel like you either get it or you don’t. I’m not gonna nag you about it. But more importantly, he would call me wearing sweats and a tank top because he was cozy at home and getting ready for bed. What if we changed not only the time but the whole conversation in general? Do we really need to go back and forth about the logistics about our day? I mean to a point, yeah it’s important to share daily intimacies of what happened. But more importantly, I learned a valuable lesson not to leave romance up to the partner in the relationship. I needed to take the lead here and communicate that flirting at the end of the day when we’re both tired and ready for bed is not going to foster any kind of eroticism in our relationship. I’m not interested in being on the FaceTime propped up against your bathroom vanity talking to you while you floss and brush your teeth. What the fuck is sexy about that? I’m happy you take care of your dental hygiene, but I don’t need to see it. An element of privacy always needs to be maintained. This is the same kind of dude that jumped into bed and that’s when he started flirting with me. It’s like really? You’re gonna give me five minutes to get into the mood? I just watched you floss. That doesn’t exactly put me in the mood you know what I mean? This is what can happen when we leave the romance to chance, and we don’t make time to cultivate it. It’s often the role of the feminine to set the spiritual and sexual tone in the relationship.
How Cultivating Erotic Intelligence Can Help.
The brilliant Esther Perel says, “eroticism and predictability do not go well together. Novelty isn’t about just creating new positions, new interactions in the bed itself. Novelty is new parts of us that we bring, and new parts of the partner that we are with that we’re curious about.” She says, “novelty is intent and it captures the erotic of life.” The anticipation that I described in the lunch scenario above is an example of how we can imagine sex without having sex. Perel says, “It’s that exact sense of anticipation that creates the excitement of having sex. And we become erotic beings by the permission we give ourselves to explore, to be playful, and to discover.”
Doing things, and making time for romance is how you cultivate erotic intelligence in yourself, and in your relationships. Breaking this down into practical to-dos looks like making an effort to flirt throughout the day with yourself, and your partner. Prioritizing sex and romance over dinner can look like investing in dim lighting and lighting candles. Changing into something sexy when you get home from work so you’re actually getting out of work mode and into romance mode. Doing some kind of activity to break up the work flow and transition to your romantic life. Watch Esther Perel’s clip here for more on how to Unlock Your Erotic Intelligence.
What To Do Next.
Now what? Okay, so you’ve been putting the dishes and the laundry ahead of quality sexy time and creating romance in your relationship or in your single life. What happens now that you’ve identified things need to change? You form a new habit! We often look at our Google calendars for the next day to see what’s coming up in our work day. How ’bout we make a to-do list and put romance and sexuality at the top of the list? What kinds of things are you going to put on your romantic to-do list? Do this for three weeks and just like going to the gym, it will become second nature. Examples could be: “Eat breakfast in the nude because I can”, and popping a strawberry from your smoothie bowl in your mouth like you’re filming a romcom scene. Or, you can add “change into a date night dress as soon as I get home from work”. Read something sexy, the opportunities are endless. For men reading this, you can do the same: change out of the suit and put something on that makes you feel sexy. Listen to classical music. Shift out of the role you play every single day and get into the clothes that help you play the role of the seductress in your life.
Let me know how it goes in the comments below!